Buckle Up

The title of this blog post is, “Buckle Up” for a few reasons. First, the dad joke of it. I’ve been on a 28 day road trip, today being the 27th, and I just had to crack the joke, cause I will always be a fan of dad jokes. Second, because this is going to be a bit longer of a post. I only usually post when I have the inspiration and the desire to share, and there’s a quantity of it. Lastly, this is going to be a bit more deeper diving into me that I usually do. Nothing upsetting (I hope), but definitely a look/depth into me that I don’t necessarily share with everyone, but I now feel more comfortable doing so. Without further ado, I apologize (sort of) in advance for the slight mayhem of the post. I’ll try to keep the points flowing. As always, a lot of inspiration and epiphanies came from friends, especially Ruthie, Ciana, Ashwin, and Iliana, though with some help from a newer friend named Beth, and of course talking with the 301 Fam. Are some of these thoughts coming directly from their advice? Absolutely. I also want to thank my bosses at Smartleaf, this was a trip I was going to take after graduation, and 1.5 years later, they told me to take as much time as I wanted. I feel an immense amount of gratitude as this has truly been a lifelong, and life changing experience.

While hiking in Sedona, or Arches, or Zion, I had a lot of time to myself to process, to really dig in. If you haven’t been to any of the major national parks in the off seasons, I really recommend it, both for the ability to not be dying from heat 10 minutes in, but also to avoid the crowds and really enjoy the beauty that was meant to be displayed on your own time and at your own pace. The first topic is love, and everything that directly surrounds it.

As some of you probably know, I’ve been single for about three years now (single meaning I have not been in a committed relationship). Over this period of time, I am really proud of the growth that I’ve gone through, the habits I’ve cemented, the willingness to take more time to try to better understand others, and all around work at becoming the man I want to be. Is there still work to be done? Absolutely. And there’s a lot of enjoyment out of that. A few snippets, I have believed for the longest time that there is a, “One” waiting for me, and I just have to be ready for her when she gets here. My friends also joke that I’m a Dad in all but having kids of my own, and I take a certain pride in that because at the end of the day my life goals revolve around a family of my own, being a supportive and present parent and partner. The thing is, I’ve been so so so wrapped up in this idea. I’ve wanted this so badly, felt that I’m striving towards it, making decisions in faith of this future me. There were three byproducts of this. One, I spent a lot of time thinking about my future, rather than living in the present. Its well worth spending time considering your future, but it should never be at the expense of enjoying what you have now. It also came with a pressure. I was constantly “ready” to meet the one, show myself in the best light and the best version of me, and at the end of the day it put way too much pressure on myself and on the people I was interacting with. Sure, anyone could be, “The One”, but its exhausting being “ready” all the time and you can miss out on a lot if you’re narrowly focused on wanting one thing and getting into the fast lane for it. Lastly it came with a sense of failure and self doubt. Three years is the longest I’ve ever gone without being in a relationship. I do think part of that is good, I’m getting better at understanding who I want to be dating, respecting when I feel that someone isn’t the right fit and being straight up with them, but it also has come with a cycle of getting my hopes up and then having them be dashed because I’m wanting so much for one thing to happen. It has sometimes made me feel like I’m missing something, or doing something wrong, or I’m not worth what I’m looking for, being upset about what I don’t have, rather than being happy with what I do have in life. I’m not proud to say that I’ve been jealous of friends who have found someone they really fit with, rather than just being happy for them. That sucks, and is no way to go about enjoying life.

Instead, I’m focusing on appreciating what I do have. Appreciating the now, the flexibility I have, the friends I’ve made, and the life I’ve made for myself. Rather than doing all this self work so that I can be XYZ for that person when they come along, I’m putting the effort in to becoming the best version of me, for me. If I’m loving life and loving myself, when the right person comes along they’ll add to the mix, not “completing” something I don’t have. In the meantime, I get to enjoy life more, and who doesn’t want that? I’m also taking the pressure off of interactions. Ciana said that I always go into an interaction with hope or the possibility of something. Instead, I’m shifting the thought to going into an interaction with the hope of a fun interaction. If this person is the right person, they’ll make themselves known to me, and there’s nothing I can actively do to make someone the right person or show that I am the right person for them. It just doesn’t work that way. I’m not worrying about when/if this person is going to come along. She will. I believe it, and if its inevitable, then I have no need to waste time and energy worrying about it. Instead I can focus my energy more productively, and whenever it happens is whenever it is supposed to happen. And if she never comes along, well, I spent my life doing things I enjoy rather than spending it worried and upset.

So in summary, live for now, enjoy who I am for me, it will happen when it happens, and be happy for what I have, not what I lack.

The next piece is about self-confidence and self-respect/appreciation. I have told a couple folks that 2022 is going to be the year of self-confidence and self-respect/appreciation. I am happy with the progress I’ve made, and now its time to really come into my own and be the best version of me. There are a couple things here.

I really struggle sometimes with motivation. I dunno what it is in me, but sometimes I get this well of emotions and fears about how something is going to go, even if its something I’ve done a million times. What it really comes down to is that I let myself get in my own head about things. I overthink, overanalyze, and stress myself out, sometimes keeping myself from doing things I know I’ll enjoy. So for next year, whenever I get that anxious feeling, or start talking myself out of doing something I’m excited to do, I’m going to tell that voice to pipe down and give that thing a shot. I want to build my confidence by putting myself out there in situations that require courage and build my sense of self-worth by overcoming the things I’m not sure I can do, being willing to fail, to take chances, as long as it doesn’t harm anyone in the process. I want to try stand up comedy. I want to be goofy and myself no matter who I’m with. I want to feel confident striking up conversations with new people, going out and doing things I have no skill at, with no backup. I went to a bar in Denver that was playing live music because I wanted to dance. There were plenty of people out with their friends or partners, and then there was me, dancing my ass off, and for most of the night I truly enjoyed zoning out into the music, just enjoying what I was doing. I wasn’t there looking for someone to go home with, to make friends, to impress anyone, it was something I did for me that I was self conscious about, and it felt really good getting back to the hotel at 1:30 AM with my feet sore as all hell (I may have semi-sprained by ankle). This leans into the focusing on what I have, rather than what I don’t, and I want to push myself to remind myself that I’m worthy of my own respect and appreciation.

The last major part is about me, and what I’ve learned about myself. The main reason I’m here on this planet, as best as I can tell, is to make others happy, and to improve their wellbeing in as big or as small a way as I can with every interaction. It brings me the most joy when I add to other’s lives, and my biggest regrets are when I take away from others, emotionally or physically. One thing to work on is I’m sometimes too worried about imposing on others, and have a little bit of a hard time trusting others because I’m not fully at peace with who I’m supposed to be yet. This will come in time, I’m sure of it, and the work on self-confidence will get me there. In the meantime, everything I do needs to be intentional. This is not to say that I will control every minute of my life. In fact, I think less control will actually be better, reacting to how things happen and going with the flow rather than trying to plan and predict and so on and so forth. I think I’ll be a much happier person if I focus on what I have, what I have to give, and with interactions allow myself to be me rather than worrying up a storm. I need to let myself be okay with feeling feelings, doing things that make me excited, and worrying/focusing less on the things I “need” to do that aren’t actually as important as I make them. I’ll absolutely make sure all my bases are covered, but I don’t need to go back and check four times either.

I will become the man I want to be. That person is someone who will be a great father, partner, family member, co-worker, friend, and person you meet on the street. This won’t come from me striving to make myself these things for them, but to be the best version of me, because that is who I am at my core. I haven’t been able to put this into words that truly make sense to me, but its the pursuit of best self where these will be the byproducts, as opposed to pursuing these things in hope of being the best version of me. The flow of energy is a little different.

So in summary, I’m going to do my best to take the pressure off of myself. To enjoy life rather than fret about the future or be upset about the past. To believe in myself, respect myself, become the best version of me, for me. To not define myself and my life success by my relationship status, to take the pressure off of trying to meet that one around every corner, to find happiness in the service of others, to feel calm, confidence, happy, positive, tranquil and a healthy dose of endless possibility. When knowing I can’t do anything about something, to let it go. To be bold and do my best to live my life to the fullest.

And of course, I’m leaving off with a quote. This one is mine, and a mix of a lot of ideas. This probably has been said before, but its something that has been my waypoint as I start this new journey into continuing to become the best version of me. In Arches this phrase came to me: “Let go of everything you fear to lose, and all you fear to fail to achieve, acquire, be, and become. Yearn not, regret not.”

Thank you, I love you, and I can’t wait for you to meet who I strive to become.

P.S. There may be a follow on to this post about the trip itself, there were some fun moments and interesting stories. We’ll see where the inspiration strikes.